THE FAMS AGENDA:
A Manifesto For PapaDonkee, 2017 Democratic Candidate for the
Office of the Convener of The Troll Cabal.
Dear Trolls, it is morning again in Trolldom, and I stand before you today a humble Troll, armed only with the vision of a brighter future for all Trolls. A future in which every Troll is able to rise as high as they please; one in which the make of a Troll’s smartphone is not a measure of their awesomeness. A vision of the future in which a Troll who tweets at a dwarf isn’t locked up in gaol or forced to watch Central African music videos.
My Fellow Trolls, the last year has been hard for all of us. Our current Convener did her best, but it’s hard to connect with the aspirations of everyday Trolls if you live a life of bourgeoisie opulence in faraway Kenya.
Her Trollcelency Irene did her best; her heart was in the right place although her skills were severely limited. She taught us about selfies, long hair and peng avatars, and for that I suspect a few Troll are grateful. But I promise you this: If you elect me to be your Convener I will make you, the Trolls, the focus of my administration from Day One!
Enough about the past; my vision speaks to the future. A future of previously unimaginable free DMs and opportunities. Today, I will present to you my FAMS Agenda, the blueprint of how I intend, with your support, to Make the #TrollCabal Great Again!
I will work to guarantee that every Troll enjoys their right to freedom of speech and trolling. These rights are enshrined in the Trollstitution drafted by our founding fathers @failedrift and @feathersproject, and I promise to ensure that these rights are enjoyed by Trolls everywhere. I will also promote and enforce the right to anonymity. The freedom to express oneself also encompasses the freedom to choose to be anonymous. Responsible trolling focuses on the message, and not the messenger.
Dear friends, I have grave news: the world is running out of data! A scary prospect of a world without the internet looms, created by a blackhole in America that is sucking up all the bandwidth in the world. I will ensure that Trolldom and all its citizens are guaranteed data access, and work out the modalities for sustainable trolling so we leave data and twitter characters behind for our children and their children’s children.
A situation where a Convener is above the law is unacceptable to my democratic sensibilities. If elected into office, my first act will be to pass a bill directing TrINEC to introduce a simple midterm vote of confidence. If the Convener still holds the trust of the Trolls they will continue in office, if they don’t then TrINEC must conduct fresh elections within one week. I believe the Independence of TrINEC is crucial to our nascent democracy. I do not believe our interests are best served by having an outgoing Convener select the TrINEC Chairman. I promise to institutionalise reforms that will make the process completely transparent, moving forward.
The burdens of office are enormous, but I believe I can succeed with the help of a strong and committed team working with me. I propose the creation of the Office of the Vice Convener, to help ensure that no vacuum exists should a Convener become…erm… suddenly indisposed for any strange or mysterious reason.
We will establish partnerships with all pro-Troll nations and organisations. I am currently in advanced discussions with the Troll Leader of the Free World. He has kindly given us poetic licence to use the Make the Troll Cabal Great Again hashtag (#MTCGA), which was a yuuge deal. Our friends in Asia have been very supportive, even though they declined my offer to set up Troll Cabal chapters in their countries. We will actively encourage cross-border trolling as an innovative way of boosting our profile and our FX reserves. We know our Jollof is better than Ghana’s; we are now doing research into what other things we do better than our African and International brother and sister Trolldoms.
On the local scene we have negotiated discount deals with Shoprite, the National Suya Association, @grillandread and @TheReadClub for all registered Trolls, and are in advanced negotiations with AMCON regarding the recent takeover of Silverbird Cinemas.
The TrollCabal is a community of trolls, and as such the Convener must create an environment for inclusive development that captures all Troll demographics. My administration will be a socialist one, one that ensures no Troll is left behind, for we are only as strong as the weakest member of our community.
The greatest danger threatening the peace of our world is the terrorism of leaked nudes. To combat this clear and present danger, I will pass DM privacy laws that ensure that the decency and privacy rights of Trolls are protected. Defaulters will be quickly and publicly dealt with. Global warming is real! If people stop sharing noods, our world will die; I will therefore do everything within my power to ensure that DMs once again become safe personal spaces. We are currently exploring an option with Twitter to disable the screen-shot feature.
Finally, on a serious note, I would like to state that trolling is very different from bullying. No one deserves to be bullied online, and I will work online and offline to append my draft Combating Cyber Bullying and Related Offences Cap. 1 Sec. 14 bill to the current useless CyberCrimes Act which some former Trolls are using to threaten other well-intentioned Trolls everywhere.
Remember that any Troll’s death or diminished liberty diminishes us all, because we are all involved in Trollkind. And therefore, dear Trolls, you won’t ever need to ask for whom this Troll trolls; I will troll for thee.
Thank you, and God Bless the TrollCabal.